Maria... working; photo courtesy: Guerrilla Fitness

Suzanne Somers has a goal. She wants to be sexy and sultry and still looking like she’s in her 40′s at the ripe old age of 110. But her path to get there is somewhat unusual.

Suzanne’s path, featured in Newsweek magazine with a cover that read, “Crazy Talk: Oprah, Wacky Cures and You”, was quite amusing. The article chronicled Oprah’s guests, Suzanne among them, and their questionable health and fitness advice. I think what the article correctly points out is these folks’ mere appearance on Oprah’s show lend them instant credibility. It’s a testament to Oprah’s influence. An influence surpassed by very few.

In particular the article talks about Suzanne and her, to put it mildly, alternative approach to staying youthful including inserting hormones directly into her vagina. The article clearly paints Suzanne and many other celebrity and pseudo-health care professional guests of Oprah as a little wacky to say the least.

What’s clearly evident, and the article only confirms this, is that we are all looking for answers. But there is something peculiar about the human condition where we will shun the simple for the complex. Seems to me, Suzanne and Oprah’s typical guest and Oprah fans are either touting or looking for a magic pill. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not picking on Oprah and her followers. They reflect the thoughts and desires of most of us – we want the easy way out. When it comes to our bodies and our longevity, this is especially true. For women who want to take a few years off their appearance, Oprah will have some dude come on her show willing to sew, with a needle and thread, someones face tighter. But I’ll let you go read the article.

There are plenty of healthy and youthful looking people in the world. And the vast majority of them have followed some similar path to getting there. What is the common denominator?

Work.

It’s pretty much that simple. Like Suzanne, I want to live to 110 years old. I want to stay young and sexy too. In fact, what I really want is the body of my youth – the six-pack abs, the buns of steel, the speed of a gazelle and the endurance of well, a 21-year-old. But I’m convinced getting to that ripe old age, and looking good while I do it, will not be easy. I believe it will take some work. In fact, most of us who have been successful at anything have worked for it. But I’m willing to do it. I’m aware my goal may be lofty given where I was then versus where I am now. I rarely work out and hate to diet and I have these things lovingly called “handles” around my waistline. Not to mention I’m older than the number on my college football jersey (#37), entering what actuarial scientists call, “middle-age”. But I think it can be done. All it will take is work. There is no secret ingredient. It’s just work. Simple, but not easy, work.

How will I work toward my goal of perpetual young-boy health and sexiness? Here is my formula distilled into four steps.

Move. Eat. Rest. Repeat.

This stuff is nothing new. And the “work” involved does not include looking for a magic pill. This ain’t rocket science and it doesn’t take 60 supplements a day or eating nothing but maple syrup and lettuce or some other cock-eyed diet.

Move, Eat, Rest, Repeat is so simple yet few will do it. How many of us are willing to push iron ala squatting many pounds greater than our bodyweight, repeatedly? How many of us voluntarily run in shitty weather fast and far enough that our lungs start feeling like they’re on fire? How many of us are willing to eat the foods that are good for us but boring? Or get even six hours sleep let alone eight? But this is the exact formula that nearly everyone who is healthy and fit has followed.  The particulars (How do you move? What do you eat? How much do you rest? How often to do you repeat?) are almost beside the point.

Don’t get me wrong. Like I said earlier, I’ve been avoiding the work for a while. But some recent news (which I will get to in another post) made me realize I was not only failing me. I was failing The Babies. I have failed to instill in them, Move, Eat, Rest, Repeat and it’s affected their health as well.

No more. I am on a mission. I know the work that needs to be done. It’s past time to do it.

I have been really trying to get into this metaphysical thing. You know. The idea tha we are all connected. The idea there is a reality beyond what is perceptible to the our tangible senses. The idea we need only ask for what it is we want and we will receive it. Sometimes it’s called the Philosophy of Success or Quantum Metaphysics. Sometimes it’s called religion. I simply think of it as something greater than me.

So, I reread The Secret. The first time it didn’t take. Apparently I missed a step, or two. (Hardy, har, har. I crack me up.) In rereading the book, one thing jumped out at me I had forgotten annoyed me the first time around. It’s the basic premise of The (so-called) Law of Attraction. This law states everything in your life, you’ve attracted. Bascially, you asked for it.  Consciously or unconsciously. The universe is going to give you what you ask for whether or not you know you’ve asked for it. Another tenet of this law is it doesn’t distinguish “don’t” or “not” or “no” and other words of negation. So according to The Secret, the universe eliminates certain words from the English language and only listens to the others. “I don’t want a bad haircut” becomes “I want a bad haircut”.

Really? Horse-kaka! While I believe in the basic premise of Ask, Believe and Receive I don’t buy the part about everything we ask for we get and everything we’ve gotten we’ve asked for. In the book one of the contributors talks about how he always lines up the great parking spaces because he asks the universe for great parking spaces.  By deduction, he is saying if you are pessimistic about getting a great parking spot you will get a lousy parking spot.

Well today, when I was parking in a downtown Newark, NJ parking garage, I was cursing the architects and engineers  who built this thing because I just knew I wasn’t going to get a good spot. Thus by The (so-called) Law of Attraction, I should have gotten a lousy parking spot. Well, I did not. I got the best spot in the entire garage. Right by the entrance to the building I was going into. Sometimes, you just get what you get.

This one aspect of The Law of Attraction - everything you have asked for you attract and everything you attracted, you’ve asked for - is a bunch of bullshit (Oops, no cursing here. I mean B.S. or bull-ish). Trust me. There is a bunch of stuff going on in my life that I did NOT ask for. But it came along with some other stuff I DID ask for.

I asked the universe for there to be a black/brown/woman President of the United States in my lifetime. It gave it to me. But I did not ask for a near depression, the world-wide freezing of the banking/lending system and two wars in foreign lands against an elusive enemy to provide the impetus for this president’s election.

I asked for a relationship filled with love, passion and fun with a woman who was nurturing, energetic, gorgeous and shared my interests. The universe answered. In her, the universe brought me someone who gave me and was all those things. She was and is very easy to love. But damn! She is flawed, as we all are. Alas, the universe also gave me someone impossible to be in a relationship with. At least the kind I envision.

I asked the universe for my weekend-only barber to be available during the week because it was more convenient for me. The universe delivered. My barber is now available during the week. But I didn’t ask the universe for my barber to lose his regular, benefit-paying, unionized job with DHL to make it all possible. Or for him to take up barbering full-time only to change to another shop 30 miles from my house… because it was more convenient for him.

What The Secret misses is there is a ying-and-yang to this asking the universe for what you want mumbo jumbo. You cannot have hot without cold. You cannot have high without low. Good without evil. Happy without sad. Coke without Sprite. Love without hate. Life without death. The universe as far as I see it demands balance. The universe also demands randomness. Sometimes, stuff just happens and it’s out of your control. Sometimes you get what you didn’t ask for, good and bad. So, to say I asked, or anyone asks, for B.S. in their life is, well, B.S. I did not ask for some of the things in my life. I did not ask for lemons, but I damn sure got ‘em.

For those of you who’ve read this far please don’t think I’m poo-pooing the entirety of Law of Attraction. I’m not. I just think about it differently. Do I think you/we are at the mercy of the universe? No. We can influence the outcomes through our thoughts and actions. We just cannot determine outcomes. But to even influence outcomes we need to build on Ask, Believe, Receive. At least three steps should be added. It should be:

1. Ask
2. Believe
3. Work Your Ass Off
4. Persist At Working Your Ass Off
5. Receive
6. When You Get Lemons (’cause you will get lemons), Make Lemonade

I’ve gotten my fair share of lemons lately. I won’t tell you how long lately is. It’s been a while. When it’s all said and done though, I’m not deterred. The next chapter of my life is about change, change for the better. It’s about going after what I want. The love of my family, my babies, JEM, my friends; wealth in both material and spiritual form; health both in body and mind and ultimately happiness for me and those I touch. It’s about making the life I want and making some sweet sweet lemonade along the way!

I am not saying I want you to know me so well that we have to be BFFs or anything. But I think when you read you should offered the context of me. Of course you will not get it all in one sitting. I can’t go that deep. I can give you a little something. In terms of subject matter, there are three places I can start. Things I’d really rather not tell but would rather it be me than someone else, things you should know about me and things I’d like you know about me. So I put together this quick, preliminary list.

I absolutely, positively and wholeheartedly love these two ladies with all my heart and soul.

The Babies

I am not foolhardy enough to think my relationship with each of them will always be happy-go-lucky. I know plenty of grown women who are estranged from their fathers for one reason or another. I hope The Babies and I are spared this fate. 

I won’t always understand them and they will not always understand me. They will not always like me. I hope they will each forgive my past, present and future f’ups and foibles. One thing is for certain, I’m going to work my rear end off to always let them know I love them and would do anything for each of them no matter if we’re together or apart or wherever else our lives lead each of us.

I smoked marijuana when I was 17 years old and never touched it again. I didn’t get what the big deal was. I have never done any other illegal drugs, I don’t smoke and I rarely drink alcohol. I have to admit though I think smoking and drinking are kinda cool looking. I defy anyone to tell me Humphrey Bogart wasn’t smooth as silk in every movie he ever did. He was chain-smoking and binge-drinking in every one of those movies. Legend has it he was smoking and drinking like it was going out of style in his personal life too. Apparently, it’s what contributed to his death. He was probably smooth as silk in the coffin too. Yeah, I think I’ll continue to stay away from the drugs, cigarettes and alcohol.

I have been arrested twice for unpaid parking tickets. I have worn the orange jump suit and everything. It was horrible. It was my own dang fault. There is no overnight parking on the streets in my town. But laziness and defiance got me locked up for a night (the first instance was just a few hours). I won’t go into details but a battle of attrition ensued over a long period between my ex and myself over who was going to move the cars off the street. She won most of the time as my car was usually the one getting the ticket.

I am a bibliophile. I own at least 1,000 books, have read most of them in their entirety and the others partially. Half are on the subjects of investing and personal finance.

I am afraid of moths and only slightly more afraid of lions. I’m the first one to admit some of my fears aren’t rational. Moths freak me out. They’re furry and they fly erratically. If one gets on you and you brush it off they leave like this crazy moth dust. I have no idea what that stuff is but it’s disgusting. Once i saw a microscopic picture of one. Moths are without argument the ugliest creatures on earth. I hate moths.

Lions though are a different story. They scare me for different reasons. I have had several dreams over the years featuring lions. Don’t ask. I have never had the dreams analyzed. Maybe I should. In each dream though, the lions were always one step from having me for dinner. For some reason, in the dreams, my fear seems only slightly more pronounced with the lions than it is with moths. Go figure.

I’m a ride-or-die-guy. I am extremely loyal and value this trait in others. Have my back and I will definitely have yours. You don’t have wonder if I’ll be there for you. I will. Some have said to a fault. If it’s a fault, I’ll live with it. I like this about me.

That’s enough for now.

Update (June 1, 2009):

In the quest to strike the correct balance of being open, telling too much and protecting others I’ve decided to delete one of the above items (formerly shown). There was a turn for the better in a personal relationship of mine that I do not want to undermine by what I published here. I struggled with this and actually sat on this decision for a month. My decision to remove the piece of information was not necessarily to protect me. There wasn’t much more damage that could have been caused from the “public” knowing. In the end my decision to remove it was more about protecting someone else. Many of you have already read this post in the original form, so you have that one bit of information. Can’t take that back. But going forward it’s simply better to keep that one close to the vest.