There’s a simple solution to all this holiday stress. Just tell me what you want! Kids have no problem writing or telling their wish list. So why can’t we adults do the same? And don’t say, “Oh, you don’t have to get me anything” or “Whatever you get is fine”. Can you spell bull-ish? Remember the Hide-Your- House-Key-In-A-Rock I got for you or the Never Ending Candle Bowl? You hated those gifts. So just tell me what you want and it will make both our lives simpler. I know there’s only a few days left ’til the big day, but there’s still time.

Even though I stress out about getting my peeps gifts, I don’t stress about what I will get. I could not possibly care less. If I see everyone around me smiling and happy and stuffed from sweet potato pie, then I’m happy. I get things you can’t put a value on, every day. (Sometimes I forget but I eventually remember. Thanks fam.) So when I say, “You don’t have to get me anything” or “Whatever you get me is fine”, I really truly mean it. You’ve already given me so much. Like many of the single dads I talk to, we have an appreciation for the little things and just want those things to remain intact. Being with our family is the perfect gift.

But… (did you see it coming?)

We single dads are a caring lot and know you might be stressing out about getting us a gift, despite our most convincing arguments we have all we want. So, I’ve decided to put together a short list of items that ANY single dad would want. Rest assured, most of us would be more than happy to get one just of these items and not necessarily on the big day. So feel free, family and friends, to pool your resources and buy his gift after the big day when everything is properly priced at deep discounts. The single dad in your life will feel less guilty accepting his gift. To the list:

1. Olympic weightlifting shoes or…

source: Rogue Fitness

There is no way any self-respecting father wouldn’t appreciate the proper footwear designed to assist him in lifting heavy items. Sure, he can get by doing that stuff barefoot or in his old sneaks from college, but I’m sure he would appreciate the hard soled support Olympic weightlifting shoes provide. And given is low-key nature, he isn’t too particular about which kind you get him, he’d be appreciative in any circumstance but man those Nike Romaleos look mighty fine.

2. a Stud-Bar or…

source: CapnRat

A pullup up bar would be awesome. One designed to work with 8 foot cielings would be ideal. One which allows kipping would be super ideal. Most single dads, even with an insane amount of assistance from his family, have very little spare time. And getting to the gym to work on those kid carrying shoulders is difficult given his time restrictions. What better way for him to keep his youthful figure than the single most effective (and cost effective) workout tool in existence. Trust me, he will love the thing. And so will his girls, um, I mean his kids. They’ll get a kick out of saying how buff their dear ‘ole dad is.

3. an Amazon Kindle or…

source: humedini

Most single dads I know are avid readers with a full library of books on every topic known to man. Most single dads I know are also gadget hounds. What better device to give him than the Amazon Kindle book reader. No longer will he have to drag around shopping bags full of books just “in case” he would like to read something on the fly. These e-readers fit right into most large coat pockets. Although he’ll miss the comfort holding a book in his hands gives him, he’ll get over it quickly.

4. a digital camera or…
Remember, dads like gadgets. So why not? How else is he going to capture those precious moments with the kids.

5. a garage door or…
Sometimes, the old one just needs replacing. Craigslist has a few used.

6. three months worth of maid services.

source: cybertoad

The single dad has a lot on his plate. He has the kids, he has the job or two, he has to keep in shape and tend to his, meager though it may be, social life and maybe his club or charity duties. The one thing which will fall by the wayside is tending to the old homestead. Laundry piles up, dishes pile up, squirrels move into the belfry, and his house just needs a scrubbing. Let’s face it. He isn’t the neatest guy to begin with amplifying the problem. He gets behind on the chores and this winds up being the kiss of death. He can never get ahead of the game. What better gift to give the guy in this situation but some much needed help. A small crew of cleaning dynamos to set him on track so perhaps he can catch up a little. And he wouldn’t need much help. Just a few visits will set him straight.

Like I said, anything from this list would warm the cockles of ANY single dad. Especially if the items were purchased during the blowout sales after the big day. (Remember his guilt.) However, no list of items, no matter how exhaustive, can replace the feeling the single dad has when spending time with his children and family. So feel free to give him exactly what he wants – the perfect holiday gift.

Me, Thing One, Maria and Coach Bill$

I read an article in the Wall Street Journal called This Is Your Brain Without Dad. Scientists studied rodents called degus whose brains react similarly to humans’ brains to environmental stimuli. These scientists attempted to observe what happens when fathers are taken out of the picture. And the verdict was:

1. When deprived of their father, the degu pups exhibit both short- and long-term changes in nerve-cell growth in different regions of the brain.
2. Their preliminary analysis indicates that fatherless degu pups exhibit more aggressive and impulsive behavior than pups raised by two parents.

In other words when degus where deprived of their fathers care (licking, preening, snuggling) the degus suffered brain damage. The study also showed short absences of fathers away from pups was less damaging than long or permanent absences. The study also goes on to say that the pups continued this brain damaged state into adulthood. I will let you read the article to get the explanation as to the science-y reasons any of this happens.

It got me to thinking, am I causing my kids brain damage? I’ve tried my best to form my schedule where I can spend as much time with the babies as possible. To a degree, I’m successful but not without a lot of sacrafice in other areas of my life. But even with that effort my non-parenting obligations simply don’t neatly conform to a court ordered 50/50 custody schedule.

Inevitably, I’m spending guilt-filled time away from the babies. Although the babies are much better off than most children of split marriages/relationships in that they see both of their parents consistently and frequently, it’s still not ideal. The article was a swift reminder I need to be diligent in carving out time with the girls, both quality and quantity. There are a few things I try to do and would suggest for any parent, especially parents who do not live with the children 100% of the time:

Choose your companion well.  Eddie Murphy once joked the secret to relationship happiness is finding someone as f’d up as you and settling down. There’s certainly a lot of truth there. Opposites may attract in physics (it’s physics right?) but not necessarily in relationships. If he likes coffee she should probably like coffee too. If she likes dining out at a new restaurant every third Friday of the month, it’s probably good if he likes to as well.

What does this have to do with the subject matter at hand? Well, as a single parent, I’ve realized your dating relationship has to be in harmony with your parenting. Having coffee in common or liking to work out together is an indicator that someone will have a deeper understanding of you and your situation. If you plan on spending a lot of time with your children, and you should, having an understanding companion is essential. It’s likely you’ll find yourself having child-related schedule conflicts with date night. Trust me, you want a companion who will roll with those punches and sometimes invite the extra company. What you don’t want is someone telling you he or she is not fond of your kids or acting like it. A companion on the same page as you will undoubtedly allow you to spend more time with your children.

Treat everyday as bring your daughter (or son) to work (or play) day. Some of my most fond memories of my childhood involved hanging out with my father at the local bar. Now if he had taken me there in this day and age someone would definitely be calling child services. But I have to say it was some of the better times I had with him. Hey, it was the ’70s. I got to drink ginger ale with a little umbrella in the glass, eat all the chips and peanuts I wanted and I played billiards to my heart’s content. And I got to see my father pal around and be jovial. It was a cool experience.

I try to do the same with my girls, only I’ve replaced Starbucks for the local pub. C-Thunda has even gotten to the point where she asks daily if we can go “coffee shoppin’ “. I bring the girls on errands, to work and to the gym when I can. Mostly I want them to see me in my daily element. And I don’t want to miss stuff they might say or do when they’d otherwise be with a baby sitter.  Some of that stuff is priceless. And this goes both ways. Sometimes I let them choose the activity. Typically it’s the bookstore or the park, and I’m cool with either.

Communicate often. Vary the method. If you want to stay bonded with your kids, you need to consider both the quality, as well as the quantity, of your communications with them. Again my parenting situation separates the babies and me a few days at a time. Since I’m only seeing them every couple of days (for some kids and parents maybe it’s every couple of weeks or months) I want to make sure we have the volume of connections we need to maintain the ideal relationship. The only way to do that is to use technology.

T-One has had her own cell phone since she was 6-years-old. Although she/we rarely use it, it has put in the babies’ minds they always have access to their parents even if we are not under the same roof. We often send text messages back and forth, with C-Thunda reciting and T-One manipulating the keys. We have a blog where we write and basically keep a scrap book of our daily adventures together. Sometimes T-One writes on it when she’s at their mom’s. Pictures and videos go without saying. I’m not sure what I would do without a camera on my cell phone.

Savor breakfasts and backseats. Most of our talking is done in the car and at breakfast. When I discovered this I instituted two rules. No TV at breakfast and no iPod in the car except on weekends. I find my girls hate silence, so they can’t help but spill the beans about their day or what they’re thinking. It’s a great time to connect.

As I started writing this post (I know it’s long as hell) so many other things came to mind. One in particular I will call “Remove Barriers to Entry“, I’ll write about soon. It’s a subject unto itself.

T-One just texted me. Later.

As the first post on this blog, I thought it best to explain the concept of “Big Piece of Chicken”. I m a fan of comedian Chris Rock. The first time I heard the phrase was during his HBO special “Bigger and Blacker in reference to the reward – the big piece of chicken at dinner – good fathers get for going about the normal business of caring for their children. A New York Times article explains, “Mr. Rock excoriates deadbeat dads and laments the lessened importance of the traditional father”.

In the act Rock says,

[The real daddies] Make your world a better, safer place, and what does daddy get? The big piece of chicken. That s all daddy gets is the big piece of chicken.

I certainly don t care about the big piece of chicken and am not looking for praise for doing the normal business of parenting. The love of my children is reward enough. (I know, very high on the sap-o-meter.) I really just think the reference is funny. So how does a father earn the big piece of chicken? David Alan Grier puts it best in song.

Black Daddy: I Get The Big Piece of Chicken